I know that everyone has pet peeves, either you can’t stand to hear fingers on a blackboard or the times when people don’t put the cap back on the toothpaste tube or the lid on a peanut butter jar, or even watching someone bite their nails (don’t get me started).  I cannot begin to tell you where these peeves start or why they drive us to distraction, but I will share one that I find myself facing on an all too regular basis.  That is when people talk to me about the concept of “Parenting your Parent”.  I know that this may not sound like such a major reason to get my hackles up, but there it is.

See, I know for certain that we are never supposed to be in the position to parent our parents. They are and should always remain elevated to an honored position in relationship to ourselves.  Sure, we need to step up to the plate and help them if they become mentally or physically impaired.  That is a given, and I know that many of us do so willingly, but I feel that in most cases they do not deserve to lose the position of respect they attained by being your parent.

It can be difficult not to make the analogy to caring for a child as you worry about mom wandering or acting out or as you find yourself changing dad’s undergarments, and maybe the distinction is subtle, but I am quite sure that most of not all of our loved ones can sense when they have lost the respect they so richly deserve.  When my grandfather and I would sit in the waiting room of his nursing home and “talk”, much of what he said was indiscernible or inappropriate to the situation, yet, I would never have dreamt of scolded him like a child or speaking to him as if he somehow lost his position as head of the family. Did I need to watch him as he stole out of the front door? Certainly.  Did I need to cajole him to eat and deal with his occasional outbursts? Without a doubt.  But, I do believe he in no way deserved any hint of condescension from me or my siblings as we played these supportive roles to a once fiercely independent man. 

So, please do prepare to “Protect your Parent” and “Pamper your Parents”, but please, never think of your role as someone who is there to “Parent your Parents.”  It just isn’t proper.      

 

 

Gary Barg
Editor-in-Chief
gary@caregiver.com